Its 5 years since my marriage ended, I became a single woman and a solo parent. It feels like this time has flown, and when I look back, I am really proud of the life I have created for myself and my two boys. I don’t see my divorce as a failure – rather a conscious choice to course correct our lives regardless of the emotional, financial and personal challenges I have had to work through. This is what I now know about myself and the journey:
Life can be incredible
When I met and married my husband, I had no idea of who I was or what I wanted from my life or my partner. This, along with the treadmill of daily life resulted in me living a very unhappy existence. It wasn’t my marriage that was the core issue, but once it ended I had the absolute terrifying but liberating responsibility and control over my life, setting the rules and deciding how I wanted each day to look and feel. A house filled with love, music, laughter & lightness is one thing I am most grateful for and really proud of creating.
Coparenting is a long game
If you’d asked me five years ago I would not have anticipated how challenging coparenting would be. My ex-husband and I have an amicable relationship – no conflicts or ongoing issues, and yet this is still a tough area to navigate. Two people who are no longer a team and who obviously see the world differently are trying to make decisions (big and small stuff) for and guide and nurture two small humans. There are different priorities, rules, and vibes in each home, and maintaining alignment with someone you have chosen to separate from can be hard.
The clichés of ‘don’t sweat the small stuff’ and ‘choose your battles’ prove to be insightful guidelines for this space!
Modern day/mid life dating is a world of its own
This should be an entire blog post (or perhaps an entire series!) all of its own... The dating world is an overwhelmingly deflating and terrifying place, with just enough glimpses of potential to keep you invested. Only those who are dating post divorce (particularly in those early days) understand that the landscape, language, unwritten rules & standards can feel like being a visitor on another planet.
Dating apps, situationships, ghosting, speed dating, friends with benefits, cyberflashing, breadcrumbing, lovebombing, cuffing, gaslighting, flags (green, red & beige), soft launching, orbiting… it’s exhausting, disheartening and confusing. The positives are that it will almost certainly accelerate your personal development & growth, firm up your boundaries, and give you great clarity of what you do and don’t want in a partner!
I can do hard things
I’ve always been an independent person who loved learning and being able to ‘do anything’, but since becoming single there are a number of new things I have had to step up and do. Going to the tip for the first time, buying, transporting and putting up a real Christmas tree, becoming a single home owner, moving house and cooking the BBQ’s are all day to day jobs that I felt a real sense of accomplishment doing for the first time. Post divorce, I have also deliberately consistently challenged myself with things outside my comfort zone like jumping off a pier, tree surfing, walking on fire and travelling solo (amongst other things) to see what I am capable of, experience adventure & show my two boys that life is for living!
I should note, that despite living by myself for 5 years now, I’ve still never mowed a lawn – perhaps this should go on my to do list!
The love I always dreamt about is possible
I grew up with Disney movies, soap operas, and Mills & Boon novels shaping my idea of romance and what a relationship should look like. Somewhere inside I had an idea of what I wanted in a partner, but the Hollywood rhetoric along with a big feminist push during my teen years had me incredibly confused. I had a few long-term relationships and then got married in my mid 20’s, and every one of those relationships seemed to confirm that my expectations were simply too high, so I compromised on the men I was with and on the dynamics within these relationships. Post divorce I dated quite a lot (let’s call it research!), and once again compromise seemed like the only option, however with my personal growth, increased confidence, and clarity of what I wanted in a partner and a relationship, settling was just not an option and it seemed I would be single forever.
After something like 99 first dates (seriously…), I finally met a man who I adore and admire, who loves me in a way I have never experienced and am now in an incredible relationship that brings so much to my life on so many levels (but let’s not jinx anything here!). I have learnt that what I wanted, and had hoped for all along was in fact possible, and that it was absolutely worth waiting for!
Upon reflection I have no regrets, and am proud of the way I have conducted myself and managed myself and my children through some difficult times. I feel like we are all much happier people, more resilient and emotionally intelligent than we would be otherwise. We have created a life, and a family unit that I love and am super proud of, and I have grown so much as a person since stepping into this role. I know that life will continue to evolve, but we are capable of making it work. Though others may see divorce as a failure, I am the happiest I have ever been - now to attempt to mow those lawns….
